Thursday, July 14, 2011

HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR 2029

  • Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California.
  • White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.
  • Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.
  • Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.
  • Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
  • Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
  • France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica. No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation!
  • Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
  • George Z.H.W. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
  • Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Tue. Wed. Thursday only.
  • 85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.
  • Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.
  • Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Floruba.
  • Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
  • Abortion clinics now available in every High School in United States.
  • Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR even though gas is selling for 4532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays.
  • Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
  • Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
  • Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.
  • NFL lineman are the size of a Cat bulldozer.
  • New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2030.
  • IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.
  • Floruba voters still having trouble with voting machines.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Some of these are a bit harsh and others, unfortunately, will most likely come true.

Anonymous said...

Very telling...

Anonymous said...

Old Joke.